Living Testimonies

Testimony from an American lady

Testimony from an American lady

I have read Mother Teresa’s book ("Come be my light" that has her personal letters. Recently mentioned in our website) and found it quite interesting. It is very encouraging to know that you are not alone in this spiritual struggle. I have found it so difficult to deal with the Protestants way of seeing daily spiritual life. I must be more like you as am very aware that my life is not easy spiritually. Nor is everything glorious.

The five years that I did not attend any church was actually such a relief. I did not have to act like I was OK and happy in the Lord. Nor did I have to explain why I was not interested in the various women’s gatherings that focused on better ways to live with your husband and children. Most of which I felt pulled me away from God rather than drawing me closer. I had come to the place where I wondered if there was actually something wrong with me.

Your website in English has your explanation of inner healing (press here to go to that page) and why it is not leading us to God. What you have written is excellent. Inner healing makes us feel good about ourselves, but our life on earth as Christians is not about feeling good. It is about being more like God. Mother Teresa struggled to be more like God! She never lost sight of that purpose for her life. She lived for being like God and loving her Jesus! Having been a Protestant for 50 plus years I could never figure out how to be like God. Using Christian words and phrases, studying the Bible every day, praying with a constant stream of words, participating in all of the activities of church, behaving in a certain manner just did not make me more like God. All of this seemed to be external and did not reach to my inner person. I knew that I was sinful but could not find a way out. As years went by I just kept adding more sins to my list! It was horrible and degrading but I was so stuck and so helpless. I had absolutely no power to become like God!!

Becoming one with God is a lot of work. It is constant struggle against things that at least us Americans feel we have the right to have. Living quietly and doing work is part of being with God. But even our American Christians have the feeling of being entitled to their rights and to justice, things that make their lives easier in various ways. But it is an inner working along with the physical work that we must daily perform. There is no complaining when life becomes hard or the why-me thinking. Being constantly vigilant about what I am around and doing is a must. And so much more. Being a Christian is not done in leisure time, rather it is 24/7 year after year until it is my time to leave this earth! Wealth is not Christian. Even being poor can be dangerous to our spiritual health if I am always wanting to be wealthier than I am! Being content with God’s joy, not some man made mind over matter way of joy, is an absolute. Yet there are no rules and regulations. There is God and His way of living. All of it is very simple and horribly complicated to talk about! The priest of our current church would often tell me that these things are just a mystery, to live in the mystery and be thankful!
Mentally I was very developed. Spiritually I was very under-developed and more retarded. These last three years I have been where my mind and knowing more about God is not the focus. Feeling good is not the focus. Looking good and having a beautiful home is not the focus. Having wealth is not the focus. More is not the focus. Being ill constantly is not bad. The desire to be alone is not bad. Not knowing what to say or how to say something is not bad. So many things that I have been taught in my Protestant years have proven to be the very things that pulled me away from that truly deep spiritual life I just knew existed but could not get to. I am just beginning to walk toward God. Because I am older, (61 years!) I probably will never be able to be what I have truly desired to be with God, but I am sure not going to waste any time with things that are not important to my spiritual health. I am getting more comfortable with the illnesses that I must live with. They are ways to show God that I can focus on Him and not be distracted because I am ill. Mother Teresa was not side-tracked with her physical pain and heart problems and that encouraged me greatly! She kept on with her desire to love and glorify her Jesus to her very last breath.

I admire Mother Teresa’s strong inner will to follow God ~ her Jesus ~ and not try to make everything work out. She left it all in God’s hands and let her Missionaries of Charity to develop as God allowed. She did not seek money ~ can you imagine that much trust in God? She could see the need of so many yet she did her daily work, spiritually and physically and left all of that to God.

JGD
Oregon, USA
29 March 2008